There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit