My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Google assistant rules
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.