NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
idk flipping houses looks really hard
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.