What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.