I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣