Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway