I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Finished stitching this today 😇
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…