And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
what does he know…
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.