Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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dream blunt rotation
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
i wish i could marry a nap
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend