Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
There is wisdom there.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.