Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.