When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂