Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.