Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*