Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
sigh
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.