This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
According to math, I’m broke
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.