interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?