Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
giddy up Office Depot
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
This is my cat’s medicine.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
technically true but not a great slogan
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”