losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday