Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.