Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
How times have changed.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.