I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
You Might Also Like
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
This cat wants you to take your pills
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.