I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Bless you
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…