I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.