The Backseat Boys
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat