Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?