FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.