*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.