I’m having an out of money experience.
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.