Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
May have had one breakfast too many
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors