WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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Bro what is this
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”