Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Who called it baking and not making love
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it