Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Help Wanted
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree