2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.