HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola