Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
being a writer on Twitter:
A dad and his duck
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey