My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.