Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”