Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do