When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
#merica
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”