[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You Might Also Like
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Shark week, but for squirrels.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.