A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.