Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe