Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is