Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You had me at “define legal”.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*