I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.