When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Same pineapple, same
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Finally
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”