[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
every single time
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont