[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me irl
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]