Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You Might Also Like
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start